So, as some of you may have heard, Midwest Furfest was seemingly attacked by some estranged furry terrorist or…furorist…in a bizarre chlorine gas leak incident…
(Nerdfit Note: The following article, while satire, does not represent Nerdfit or its views. All of our writers are cherished and loved and we are happy to give a place where people are able to write out their thoughts and opinions with out the need to feel that they have to censor themselves. One of our founders (Javier) is a furry and we do love you guys and gals. Cheers, Erik)
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.These poor sons-of-bitches were thrown out into the dismal Chicago cold at 20 to 1. Fortunately, as you can see, they are wearing what appear to be the remains of the Disney failed character closet.
Midwest Furfest was beset upon this weekend by a criminal (As of right now, unidentified and still at-large) who decided that striking terror into the hearts of mascot-costumed con-goers (I love hyphens!) was a necessary thing to do. Obviously, no good people deserve to be attacked. They were minding their own business, attending a convention that was formally arranged with the hotel and convention space, and just trying to have a good time. Allow me to inform you that this article may take some satirical turns. So if you’re that guy who takes Stephen Colbert seriously, close the window now. We’ve had our page hit, and we thank you.
On to the nitty gritty.
What the fuck is a furry anyway? If you’re reading Nerdfit as a regular news (lol) source, I’m shocked if you don’t know. Furries are essentially adults (as I’ve yet to see anyone underage participating, but hey! That’s what the internet’s for, right? I could be a 14 year old filipino lady-boy for all you know!) who partake in a subculture of anthropomorphic animals. Mascot costumes for the most part, but also body paint, tails, etc. This is a culture of light-hearted folk who enjoy their ‘fursona’ and talking to one is essentially like interacting with a character from a Disney film (but taller—and sometimes creepier.)
Oh. And some of them have sex in the costumes. No shade, we’re all into weird shit. (Erik, for example, is into Glenn. I don’t know why anyone is into Glenn.) I’ve been to enough fetish conventions (ooh la la!) where there has been one furry who’s there just for the mascot sex. Mind you, there aren’t always a lot of them at the fet cons so it’s kind of like watching an endangered species find its lone mate across a mountain plain. Except, in that instance, the mountain plain is a hotel filled with gimps and dominatrix’s tying each other to the maid carts and flogging them with their specially-requested extra towels.
So, here’s what went down. Midwest Furfest 2014, a convention for furries, was this past weekend. According to NPR, around 12:40AM at the Rosemont Hyatt in IL, a 911 call was made reporting a noxious odor spreading across the 9th floor.
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.Dramatic Reenactment
Upon investigation, a high level of chlorine gas was discovered in the air (shocking that this time it wasn’t just con-stench).
Now, when you have a closed convention center full of people and a hazardous gas starts to permeate the premises, what do you do? Well, you do what you would do in any instance of hazardous gas in an enclosed space. You evacuate the building. This was no small convention mind you. The gas forced some several thousands of convention guests (and regular hotel guests) into the street outside of the hotel. Fortunately (?) many of them were still in costume, which provided some warmth. But if you’ve ever been to Chicago in the winter, no Bugs Bunny suit is going to protect you from the harsh, un-sexy whipping of Chicago wind. As one girl, lets call her Stacy, said to me, “We expect a lot of this at fur-cons. Most of the time a fire alarm is pulled or something to force us outside. I think they do it to embarrass us.” Which would be awful, if most of the furries at a con (or anyone at any con) had enough social awareness to harness the ability to actually be embarrassed. So outside, the thousands of furries huddled into a ‘cuddle’ as they called it to keep warm. Finally, the little scamps were allowed back into the hotel at 3:30AM. Almost 3 hours in the cold—I salute anyone who was able to withstand that chill—save for presumably the polar bear furries who have a predisposition for cold weather. Police are saying this was an intentional act, and it is being treated as a criminal case.
Several news reporters weren’t even able to keep a straight face when reporting on the incident. One even ran—the fuck—away. Seriously Mika Brzezinski, you give all Mika’s a bad name (and I was doing a HELL of a job on my own). Normally I would say “you couldn’t pay me not to laugh at furries!” but—for her paycheck you probably could. I’m looking at you MSNBC, I’ll do it for $15 less than her. Call me.
Now that you know what’s up. Here’s the problem I’m seeing pop up. With Ferguson, and #ICantBreathe picking up traction, everyone is looking for a platform to protest, feel offended, or get riled up about their rights. Cries of “The furries being attacked is a hate crime! STOP THE FURSECUTION!! This is no different than if this were black people or gay people!” Hate crime…yes? The SAME as the other issues? No. Will we take you seriously after using the term “fursecution?” Probably not. Would we take you more serious if you hadn’t shown up to court in a tiger suit and introduced yourself as Mr. Fiddles? Probably.
However, this is a little more complicated than that. See, black people can’t change their skin color, and gay people can’t change their orientation. You, however, can take off that suit. Black people, White people, Asians, Gays and Straights were all born that way (fight with me about it Limbaugh. I dare you). I’m PRETTY sure you didn’t come squealing out of your mother’s vagina covered in blood and something in your soul made you yearn to be an anthropomorphic German fucking shepherd. See, Fuzzums, you can take your fursuit off, other people can’t remove the specific thing they are being treated badly for. I think the key here is that we need to be pissed that a convention was targeted by one asshole because it was filled with people. PEOPLE. Because of what? Because they like some weird sex with tails? Please. Like you, Mr. Chlorine bomber, have never watched La Blue Girl. Hell, I’d even understand if watching La Blue Girl was WHY you did it, that movie is scarring. But seriously. Can we all stop fighting for our label and just start fighting for people not to be shitty? Lets all just cuddle together in the cold as if we were ejected from a Chicago hotel due to an attack, and just hold hands as fellow humans/bi-pedal-german-shepherds/dragon-kin/trans-rabbits, shall we?
Let us not forget the most important question: Would this have been more or less funny if it were a clown convention?
